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18 November Darkest just before the dawnThey do say it's always darkest before the dawn... Well the light is about to come on...New pictures... New blogs... Watch this space friends... Oh and remember to keep it real... christmas starts till twelve days before and not as coke would have us believe as soon as they play their ad! 27 October For Halloween 09 - The witches from MacbethThrice the brinded cat hath mew'd Thrice and once the hedge-pig whined Harpier cries "'Tis time, 'tis time." Round about the cauldron go; Double, double toil and trouble; Fillet of a fenny snake, Double, double toil and trouble; Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf, Double, double toil and trouble; Cool it with a baboon's blood, By the pricking of my thumbs,
I hope you're suitably scared... lol xxx The Dirty Dingo Tour 2009Hi Guy's
Well here i go again... Yet another opportunity to show everyone just how much i hate flying
31st October 2009 - LAX Airport for anyone wishing to see a grown woman cry... 11.50pm Flight... so you might need to bring your flash...lol
2nd November 2009 - I arrive at Sydney... yet another photo opportunity... this one will be me kissing the Terrafirma...
Its not all about me though... there are several other of your favourite models all waiting to meet and great you on the Dirty Dingo tour
We have one week in which to show the Aussie's what we're made of and one weekto party the nights away
Arrive back in LA 7th November 2009 a quivering wreck... but as they say down under...
No worries mate, she'll be right! 26 October PremonitionWell guys the premonition was right... something did come my way... I recieved a ticket... for J walking would you believe?
Having spent most of yesterday in meeting after meeting i thought i might redeem some kind of sanity with a little retail therapy...
however a jerk in a uniform decided otherwise...
Standing on the sidewalk outside the office waiting along with others who wanted to cross the road...forever waiting...no sign of the traffic stopping or the lights changing... i took my chance and ran for the first gap in the cars...
Wrong move entirely
The lights flashed and the siren wailed and i was given a lecture by a uniformed officer of LA's finest...
I wouldn't have minded but he couldn't have been long out of diapers... and was definately out for brownie points
One hefty dollar fine later...he climbed back into his black and white and drove off
So much for premonitions 25 October uncannyThere is a feeling welling up inside of me... Like... Well i'm not sure really? An air of anticipation... The feeling you had as a child... Three days before Christmas... Thats how i feel at the moment... Like something...some long awaited thing is about to happen in LA? Wierd! 21 October LA NightsHalf past eleven at night and still the streets are full... Traffic at a standstill...Horns sounding as irate travellers go about their city life... Squad cars with their lights that hypnotize and their sirens that instantly wake you up again screech around impassable road blocks... Gun shots... Screams... Homeless bums take to hiding in subways... Nothing changes ...! 20 October LA DaysDown on the beach watching the stunning women with their headphones on while rollerskating...then there's testosterone ally...the part of the beach where all the muscle bound hunks hang out... A half mangled torso washed up on the shore near the car park... Not taken by sharks but a ships propellor whilst taking a midnight swim... Nothing ever changes here...! 02 October The mighty wordDear Michelle
Take comfort... as i do... in the knowledge that i am as much here for you... as you are for me
The friendship we have made will stay strong... forever strong!
The bonds that we both know we share are more like family ties than bonds of friendship
As the saying goes... Cut yourself and will I not bleed...
My pain i know is your pain
and i hope you realise that no matter what you need me for... i will be there
Dear Elliot
Fear not ... i shall return
I know how you can make me laugh... i have not forgotten
I know how you feel when i go "Missing"
Fear not... for i am here
Dear friends
The past 3 months have been severe... on my life... on my heart... on my inner being.
The past month... The worst ever!
The only way i can show you all that i hurt no longer is to be as open as possible
I am working again... i am strong... sober and free from drugs
If you can't get me on Messenger, then e-mail
i will answer all
Watch the blogs
watch for the videos... i will posting a few at some point
I love you Michelle x x x without you i may not have survived xxx
02 September lost and foundLife is so much better looking from the outside in. I'm fortunate enough to be able to do this. Many are not. I've looked at myself from so many angles over the past months it's been a nightmare, A living hell that i have yet again survived. I know in a few days time will come yet another nightmare but i also know i will somehow survive again, My answer. Bury my head in the sand.Work till you drop.Party like there is no tomorrow.One day i will be right! 26 July 17th April 1988I lay on the floor begging, already i have had too much, but still i need more.
I see the room fill with images and i begin to choke, coughing and throwing up pills.
The Jack Daniel's warms me and makes my body numb, i somehow feel safe, lost in my mind.
I dont know why?... God knows i cant seem to find where i am inside.
In my mind i watch the colors fly by, moving so fast they seem to take my breath away.
The alcohol is bitter and the poison no sweeter, its in my blood and in my skin.
I stay on the floor confused and get worse the more i smoke, the more i drink, the more pills i pop...and then i sink
i crawl into the corner of my room, the room is buzzing and nothing stands still, i cant tell whats real anymore?
Maybe im dreaming? maybe im not? either way im fucked up!
The drugs they get me high, but my body screams at me to stop, i just cry because im gone.
I would chose my family over my drugs, but my mothers in the same state as me, There is too much shouting, and apparently its my fault because i have "gone off on one"
They watch me slip away to what I think is a happy place, till i start to drink again and then it really kicks in.
i try to stand but my legs are weak, then i start to bawl, i dont know why, but i just sit and cry.
I always say i dont want to do this antmre, but i always grab the bottle just the same.
I shout i want to stop this madness, but what i really want is to go to sleep and never wake up.
The people that care about me, i mean really care about me ask, Do they have control over you? and give me ultimatums like Its the drugs or us!
They ask me the questions but im scared of the answers, I just promise to quit and time after time i break their trust.
That way i can run off to my hiding place, where nothing is wrong, that is until the drugs wear off.
I hate these drugs, they make me lose myself but everyday its the same thing, you see, in order to live all i need is love but if thats not available, you had better bring the drugs along.
So here i am, this is my life, im a wreck and an addict, i know im a pitiful sight to see, im 10 years old and that aint right! but i wont ruin my life anymore
Ill kick this habit and protect the rest of my family from falling into the same traps.
I know i can be happy again
These drugs i take, its true, they make me want to die...and one day...if i carry on... they shall have their day.
If i carry on...all ill have is stupid ass lies and a coffin.
I have actually overdosed twice so far in my life...Im 10 for fucks sake....
17 July Only once the drugs are done do i feel like dyingHaving had "a few" very rough days and sleepless nights recently, i have found myself searching my belongings. In a box, i came across a lot of old paperwork.
I have found things like letters, diary's etc... things from my childhood and teenage years, most of which i thought i had destroyed but for whatever reason are still here... in my home.
Reading and reliving thousands of old memories has really helped... helped me to realise how frail i used to be and why i'm so strong today....helped me enough to say NO!
I refuse to revert back to the non-entity i had once been...I want to stay the person i am....
To help me even more i feel the need for others to know, not my current thoughts but rather the scribbling of the child i once was.
The poem you are about to read i wrote around the age of 10, I cant be more specific than this as i was totally out of it.
How wrong you are daddy
Now you come to me, trying to bribe me with your promises, do you actually think i'm the guilty one?
Do you actually believe i would be here for you to do that to me again?
How wrong you are!
Never will i again get close to you; you will only continue to bring me sadness and pain.
A pain that will only grow and hold me in its clutches for ever.
How wrong you are!
Thinking i'll let you put me down over and over, and walk all over me, abuse me.
I know i have no choice in what you do to me, you age me beyond my years,
Yet deep down their is still but a child, your child.
HOW WRONG YOU ARE! 04 July Alter egoSo often we are warriors for others
but what happens when we are alone?
we've been smiling on the outside and dying on the inside
we try to hide our pain, we've put make up over it
put a band aid on it.
we hide behind our joke and laughter
but when no one is around the tears flow
the pain emerges,the lonliness takes over, the frustration surfaces
all that we have pushed deep down rises to haunt us,
then calm...
only to start the daily cycle all over again
Spidey has his Peter
the bat has His Bruce
I have Michelle...
Who do you hide behind? 03 July feeling downSometimes we all feel down...right? Then other times we get so low we feel like there's just no way up anymore. Well i just been down to the bottom of a few bottles...couldn't really see my way up. Then my family and friends throw me a lifeline...again! But what truly helped me the most...talking to someone who only recently became a friend ... New outlook... New approach... Who knows? I am feeling better and thats due to them... Long way to go yet but there is at least a ladder in sight! xxx 01 July friendsFreddie said it all in one song. Friends will be friends, when your in need of love they give you care and attention, friends will be friends, when your through with life and all hope is lost just hold out your hand and right till the end... Friends will be friends! X 27 June By myself 2By myself i ask why, but in my mind i find i can't rely on myself! I can't hold on to what i want when i'm stretched so thin. It's all too much to take in. I cant hold on, to anything watching everything spin, with toughts of failure sinking in! By myselfwhat do i do to ignore them behind me? Do i follow my instincts blindly? Do i hide my pride from these bad dreams? And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening? Do i sit here and try to stand it? Or do i try to catch them red handed? Do i trust some and get fooled by phoniness? Or do i trust nobody and live in loneliness? Because i cant hold on when i'm stretched so thin, i make the right moves but i'm lost within, i put on my daily facade but then, i just end up getting hurt again! 26 June To your friends be trueTrue friends know when to keep quiet and listen... True friends know when your down...True friends know exactly the right things to say and when to say them and more importantly how to say them. To your friends be true and they shall be true to you. You know who i wrote this for... I know you will read this... My TRUE friend i thank you x x x In my mind i tryI'm going to a dark place
its deep inside of me
i'll hide behind my blank face
so no one else can see
I'll kill the demons deep inside
or perhaps they might kill me
at least i can say that i have tried
and either way...im free! 08 June Hotel roomsFrom the outside all hotels look different... some towering and aloof... others are closer to the ground but spread for miles
Interesting facia's jut out into various skylines... Large sashed windows or the small double glazed depending on the history of the building in question...
In London the majority are palacial... with the obligatory revolving door and aging gentleman in his uniform stood outside...
The entrance lobby that goes on for miles and miles with a check in counter to match... The bell hop who always waits by the door patiently for his tip once he has shown you to your room...
The closed door... and the trap is sprung
All the rooms are identical... seating area... television complete with sky... the erotic channels most watched by lone business men or by him and the escort he managed to buy a drink for downstairs in the bar... A large double bed with its perfectly folded bedding is edged by two cabinets... one of which contains the book i dread most...
The stand in the bath shower with its tiny complimentry soap bar and white towels...
Sounds all too familiar to me... looks all too familiar to me...
All goes to prove... there is no place like home
Aria x x x 04 June Gone fishingHi Its me again
I was out walking today...along Victoria embankment, by the river Trent
The sun was shining and a slight breeze blowing
just enough to be be comfortable.
Quite close to the penny bridge i decided to set down on the concrete steps that make up the embankment
with my chin resting in both my hands i lazily watched the dark rivers water slowly flow by
A couple of swans just off to my right idly preened there feathers
and then a man came past rowing a canoe.
Having been sat there for around 20 minutes i realised just how calm and peaceful it was
yes i could still hear the faint hustle and bustle of the traffic crossing trent bridge
i could still here the chimes of the icecream vendors van playing o sol amio
i could hear the sounds of teenagers playing soccor on the fields behind me
but it was so peacefully quiet
in a world of my own i was
then i saw him
on my left less than two arms length away sat a man fishing
he must have been 70/71 years of age
dressed in ragged old trousers and wearing a cloth cap
he was unshaven for about 1 week and slightly smelly when the wind changed towards me
but that wasnt bothering me
i had no idea how long he had been there
he caught me looking at him and he smiled a toothless smile at me
not in a leacherous way... in a friendly way
so i smiled back
Nice day again he said
yes i replied
fancy a brew darlin he said as he pointed to a thermus flask
thank you that would be lovely i replied
Now im not going to bore you anymore with every word we spoke to each other
but i do have a point to all this
we sat and talked and fished for nearly three hours
that old man ... Gerry was his name ... but that old man taught me more in 3 hours than i have learned in a lifetime
He was quite obviously not a wealthy man
yet he gave me drinks from his flask
he gave me sandwiches that he had made
he taught me how to fish which was great because i have never done it before
he told me a lot of things i never knew about Nottingham
but most of all
i think he taught me how to be humble
He didnt have a clue who i was, he was polite, a true gentleman from a day saddly lost years ago
as i stood up to leave and come home
he stood too and took his cap off his head
i kissed him on the cheek and said
let me pay you for the coffee and food
he shook his head and said
No miss ... You keep your money ... It was nice to meet you
And thats reward enough for me
I nearly cried but managed to stifle my tears...
Gerry i hope we meet again x x x
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