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    18 November

    Darkest just before the dawn

    They do say it's always darkest before the dawn... Well the light is about to come on...New pictures... New blogs... Watch this space friends... Oh and remember to keep it real... christmas starts till twelve days before and not as coke would have us believe as soon as they play their ad!
    27 October

    For Halloween 09 - The witches from Macbeth

    Thrice the brinded cat hath mew'd

    Thrice and once the hedge-pig whined

    Harpier cries "'Tis time, 'tis time."

    Round about the cauldron go;
    In the poison'd entrails throw.
    Toad, that under cold stone
    Days and nights has thirty-one
    Swelter'd venom sleeping got,
    Boil thou first i' the charmed pot

    Double, double toil and trouble;
    Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

    Fillet of a fenny snake,
    In the cauldron boil and bake;
    Eye of newt and toe of frog,
    Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
    Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,
    Lizard's leg and howlet's wing,
    For a charm of powerful trouble,
    Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

    Double, double toil and trouble;
    Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

    Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf,
    Witches' mummy, maw and gulf
    Of the ravin'd salt-sea shark,
    Root of hemlock digg'd i' the dark,
    Liver of blaspheming Jew,
    Gall of goat, and slips of yew
    Sliver'd in the moon's eclipse,
    Nose of Turk and Tartar's lips,
    Finger of birth-strangled babe
    Ditch-deliver'd by a drab,
    Make the gruel thick and slab.
    Add thereto a tiger's chaudron,
    For the ingredients of our cauldron.

    Double, double toil and trouble;
    Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

    Cool it with a baboon's blood,
    Then the charm is firm and good.

    By the pricking of my thumbs,
    Something wicked this way comes.

     

    I hope you're suitably scared... lol xxx

    The Dirty Dingo Tour 2009

    Hi Guy's
     
    Well here i go again... Yet another opportunity to show everyone just how much i hate flying
     
    31st October 2009 - LAX Airport for anyone wishing to see a grown woman cry... 11.50pm Flight... so you might need to bring your flash...lol
     
    2nd November 2009 - I arrive at Sydney... yet another photo opportunity... this one will be me kissing the Terrafirma...
     
    Its not all about me though... there are several other of your favourite models all waiting to meet and great you on the Dirty Dingo tour
     
    We have one week in which to show the Aussie's what we're made of and one weekto party the nights away
     
    Arrive back in LA 7th November 2009 a quivering wreck... but as they say down under...
     
    No worries mate, she'll be right!
    26 October

    Premonition

    Well guys the premonition was right... something did come my way... I recieved a ticket... for J walking would you believe?
     
    Having spent most of yesterday in meeting after meeting i thought i might redeem some kind of sanity with a little retail therapy...
    however a jerk in a uniform decided otherwise...
    Standing on the sidewalk outside the office waiting along with others who wanted to cross the road...forever waiting...no sign of the traffic stopping or the lights changing... i took my chance and ran for the first gap in the cars...
    Wrong move entirely
    The lights flashed and the siren wailed and i was given a lecture by a uniformed officer of LA's finest...
    I wouldn't have minded but he couldn't have been long out of diapers... and was definately out for brownie points
    One hefty dollar fine later...he climbed back into his black and white and drove off
     
    So much for premonitions
    25 October

    uncanny

    There is a feeling welling up inside of me... Like... Well i'm not sure really? An air of anticipation... The feeling you had as a child... Three days before Christmas... Thats how i feel at the moment... Like something...some long awaited thing is about to happen in LA? Wierd!
    21 October

    LA Nights

    Half past eleven at night and still the streets are full... Traffic at a standstill...Horns sounding as irate travellers go about their city life... Squad cars with their lights that hypnotize and their sirens that instantly wake you up again screech around impassable road blocks... Gun shots... Screams... Homeless bums take to hiding in subways... Nothing changes ...!
    20 October

    LA Days

    Down on the beach watching the stunning women with their headphones on while rollerskating...then there's testosterone ally...the part of the beach where all the muscle bound hunks hang out... A half mangled torso washed up on the shore near the car park... Not taken by sharks but a ships propellor whilst taking a midnight swim... Nothing ever changes here...!
    02 October

    The mighty word

    Dear Michelle
    Take comfort... as i do... in the knowledge that i am as much here for you... as you are for me
    The friendship we have made will stay strong... forever strong!
    The bonds that we both know we share are more like family ties than bonds of friendship
    As the saying goes... Cut yourself and will I not bleed...
    My pain i know is your pain
    and i hope you realise that no matter what you need me for... i will be there
     
    Dear Elliot
    Fear not ... i shall return
    I know how you can make me laugh... i have not forgotten
    I know how you feel when i go "Missing"
    Fear not... for i am here
     
    Dear friends
    The past 3 months have been severe... on my life... on my heart... on my inner being.
    The past month... The worst ever!
     
    The only way i can show you all that i hurt no longer is to be as open as possible
    I am working again... i am strong... sober and free from drugs
    If you can't get me on Messenger, then e-mail
    i will answer all
    Watch the blogs
    watch for the videos... i will posting a few at some point
     
    I love you Michelle x x x without you i may not have survived xxx
     
     
    02 September

    lost and found

    Life is so much better looking from the outside in. I'm fortunate enough to be able to do this. Many are not. I've looked at myself from so many angles over the past months it's been a nightmare, A living hell that i have yet again survived. I know in a few days time will come yet another nightmare but i also know i will somehow survive again, My answer. Bury my head in the sand.Work till you drop.Party like there is no tomorrow.One day i will be right!
    26 July

    17th April 1988

    I lay on the floor begging, already i have had too much, but still i need more.
    I see the room fill with images and i begin to choke, coughing and throwing up pills.
    The Jack Daniel's warms me and makes my body numb, i somehow feel safe, lost in my mind.
    I dont know why?... God knows i cant seem to find where i am inside.
    In my mind i watch the colors fly by, moving so fast they seem to take my breath away.
    The alcohol is bitter and the poison no sweeter, its in my blood and in my skin.
    I stay on the floor confused and get worse the more i smoke, the more i drink, the more pills i pop...and then i sink
    i crawl into the corner of my room, the room is buzzing and nothing stands still, i cant tell whats real anymore?
    Maybe im dreaming? maybe im not? either way im fucked up!
    The drugs they get me high, but my body screams at me to stop, i just cry because im gone.
    I would chose my family over my drugs, but my mothers in the same state as me, There is too much shouting, and apparently its my fault because i have "gone off on one"
    They watch me slip away to what I think is a happy place, till i start to drink again and then it really kicks in.
    i try to stand but my legs are weak, then i start to bawl, i dont know why, but i just sit and cry.
    I always say i dont want to do this antmre, but i always grab the bottle just the same.
    I shout i want to stop this madness, but what i really want is to go to sleep and never wake up.
    The people that care about me, i mean really care about me ask, Do they have control over you? and give me ultimatums like Its the drugs or us!
    They ask me the questions but im scared of the answers, I just promise to quit and time after time i break their trust.
    That way i can run off to my hiding place, where nothing is wrong, that is until the drugs wear off.
    I hate these drugs, they make me lose myself but everyday its the same thing, you see, in order to live all i need is love but if thats not available, you had better bring the drugs along.
     
    So here i am, this is my life, im a wreck and an addict, i know im a pitiful sight to see, im 10 years old and that aint right! but i wont ruin my life anymore
    Ill kick this habit and protect the rest of my family from falling into the same traps.
    I know i can be happy again
    These drugs i take, its true, they make me want to die...and one day...if i carry on... they shall have their day.
    If i carry on...all ill have is stupid ass lies and a coffin.
    I have actually overdosed twice so far in my life...Im 10 for fucks sake....
     
    17 July

    Only once the drugs are done do i feel like dying

    Having had "a few" very rough days and sleepless nights recently, i have found myself searching my belongings. In a box, i came across a lot of old paperwork.
    I have found things like letters, diary's etc... things from my childhood and teenage years, most of which i thought i had destroyed but for whatever reason are still here... in my home.
    Reading and reliving thousands of old memories has really helped... helped me to realise how frail i used to be and why i'm so strong today....helped me enough to say NO!
    I refuse to revert back to the non-entity i had once been...I want to stay the person i am....
    To help me even more i feel the need for others to know, not my current thoughts but rather the scribbling of the child i once was.
    The poem you are about to read i wrote around the age of 10, I cant be more specific than this as i was totally out of it.
     
    How wrong you are daddy
    Now you come to me, trying to bribe me with your promises, do you actually think i'm the guilty one?
    Do you actually believe i would be here for you to do that to me again?
    How wrong you are!
    Never will i again get close to you; you will only continue to bring me sadness and pain.
    A pain that will only grow and hold me in its clutches for ever.
    How wrong you are!
    Thinking i'll let you put me down over and over, and walk all over me, abuse me.
    I know i have no choice in what you do to me, you age me beyond my years,
    Yet deep down their is still but a child, your child.
    HOW WRONG YOU ARE!
    04 July

    Alter ego

    So often we are warriors for others
    but what happens when we are alone?
    we've been smiling on the outside and dying on the inside
    we try to hide our pain, we've put make up over it
    put a band aid on it.
    we hide behind our joke and laughter
    but when no one is around the tears flow
    the pain emerges,the lonliness takes over, the frustration surfaces
    all that we have pushed deep down rises to haunt us,
    then calm...
    only to start the daily cycle all over again
    Spidey has his Peter
    the bat has His Bruce
    I have Michelle...
     
    Who do you hide behind?
    03 July

    feeling down

    Sometimes we all feel down...right? Then other times we get so low we feel like there's just no way up anymore. Well i just been down to the bottom of a few bottles...couldn't really see my way up. Then my family and friends throw me a lifeline...again! But what truly helped me the most...talking to someone who only recently became a friend ... New outlook... New approach... Who knows? I am feeling better and thats due to them... Long way to go yet but there is at least a ladder in sight! xxx
    01 July

    friends

    Freddie said it all in one song. Friends will be friends, when your in need of love they give you care and attention, friends will be friends, when your through with life and all hope is lost just hold out your hand and right till the end... Friends will be friends! X
    27 June

    By myself 2

    By myself i ask why, but in my mind i find i can't rely on myself! I can't hold on to what i want when i'm stretched so thin. It's all too much to take in. I cant hold on, to anything watching everything spin, with toughts of failure sinking in!

    By myself

    what do i do to ignore them behind me? Do i follow my instincts blindly? Do i hide my pride from these bad dreams? And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening? Do i sit here and try to stand it? Or do i try to catch them red handed? Do i trust some and get fooled by phoniness? Or do i trust nobody and live in loneliness? Because i cant hold on when i'm stretched so thin, i make the right moves but i'm lost within, i put on my daily facade but then, i just end up getting hurt again!
    26 June

    To your friends be true

    True friends know when to keep quiet and listen... True friends know when your down...True friends know exactly the right things to say and when to say them and more importantly how to say them. To your friends be true and they shall be true to you. You know who i wrote this for... I know you will read this... My TRUE friend i thank you x x x

    In my mind i try

    I'm going to a dark place
    its deep inside of me
    i'll hide behind my blank face
    so no one else can see
     
    I'll kill the demons deep inside
    or perhaps they might kill me
    at least i can say that i have tried
    and either way...im free!
    08 June

    Hotel rooms

    From the outside all hotels look different... some towering and aloof... others are closer to the ground but spread for miles
    Interesting facia's jut out into various skylines... Large sashed windows or the small double glazed depending on the history of the building in question...
    In London the majority are palacial... with the obligatory revolving door and aging gentleman in his uniform stood outside...
    The entrance lobby that goes on for miles and miles with a check in counter to match... The bell hop who always waits by the door patiently for his tip once he has shown you to your room...
    The closed door... and the trap is sprung
     
    All the rooms are identical... seating area... television complete with sky... the erotic channels most watched by lone business men or by him and the escort he managed to buy a drink for downstairs in the bar... A large double bed with its perfectly folded bedding is edged by two cabinets... one of which contains the book i dread most...
    The stand in the bath shower with its tiny complimentry soap bar and white towels...
     
    Sounds all too familiar to me... looks all too familiar to me...
     
    All goes to prove... there is no place like home
     
    Aria x x x
    04 June

    Gone fishing

    Hi Its me again
     
    I was out walking today...along Victoria embankment, by the river Trent
    The sun was shining and a slight breeze blowing
    just enough to be be comfortable.
    Quite close to the penny bridge i decided to set down on the concrete steps that make up the embankment
    with my chin resting in both my hands i lazily watched the dark rivers water slowly flow by
    A couple of swans just off to my right idly preened there feathers
    and then a man came past rowing a canoe.
    Having been sat there for around 20 minutes i realised just how calm and peaceful it was
    yes i could still hear the faint hustle and bustle of the traffic crossing trent bridge
    i could still here the chimes of the icecream vendors van playing o sol amio
    i could hear the sounds of teenagers playing soccor on the fields behind me
    but it was so peacefully quiet
    in a world of my own i was
    then i saw him
    on my left less than two arms length away sat a man fishing
    he must have been 70/71 years of age
    dressed in ragged old trousers and wearing a cloth cap
    he was unshaven for about 1 week and slightly smelly when the wind changed towards me
    but that wasnt bothering me
    i had no idea how long he had been there
    he caught me looking at him and he smiled a toothless smile at me
    not in a leacherous way... in a friendly way
    so i smiled back
    Nice day again he said
    yes i replied
    fancy a brew darlin he said as he pointed to a thermus flask
    thank you that would be lovely i replied
     
    Now im not going to bore you anymore with every word we spoke to each other
    but i do have a point to all this
    we sat and talked and fished for nearly three hours
    that old man ... Gerry was his name ... but that old man taught me more in 3 hours than i have learned in a lifetime
     
    He was quite obviously not a wealthy man
    yet he gave me drinks from his flask
    he gave me sandwiches that he had made
    he taught me how to fish which was great because i have never done it before
    he told me a lot of things i never knew about Nottingham
    but most of all
    i think he taught me how to be humble
     
    He didnt have a clue who i was, he was polite, a true gentleman from a day saddly lost years ago
    as i stood up to leave and come home
    he stood too and took his cap off his head
    i kissed him on the cheek and said
    let me pay you for the coffee and food
    he shook his head and said
     
    No miss ... You keep your money ... It was nice to meet you
    And thats reward enough for me
    I nearly cried but managed to stifle my tears...
     
    Gerry i hope we meet again x x x